Oh

Oh in case you don't know

I GOT IN TO SOUL SURVIVOR GAP YEAR THINGY MAG JIG

yes, the capital letters are a display of my excitment.

I am unsure on whether or not to take it particially down to the fact that it costs £6000 (yep thats a lot) and with my parents financial situation at the moment I do not know whether or not I am being selfish by taking it.

If I get myself into a mess (this is me the chances are pretty high) they wont be able to bail me out. I know they will try because my parents are amazing like that my mum would proberly sell a kidney. If I take it, is that going to mess my parents up more financially.

I'm even unsure whether or not I want to do it or not. soul survivor is huge. chances are if your a young christian in the UK you have heard of it. It does festivals all around the globe. It is this huge organisation. Is that me? One of the things I love about GBC is its quaint little homey atmosphere, It is not huge, Guanteed I dont know everyone but I know enough people to understand the things that go on there.

Soul Survivor is massive like i mean in its 1000. I know every christian makes up the church but is working for a huge organisation me?

I have no idea.

please pray into this for me, so that I work out what to do and that what ever path I take its Gods will.

I told you so

Im all better now.

Im happy I just read Roseannas blog and that made me happy.

God is good, people aren't always. things go wrong and opinions change. and people can break your heart, the devil can make you feel like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders. you get angry at the state of it and then it makes you punch walls.

What happened to me this past week and a bit (as i realised) I didnt exactly give a great deal of infomation. was the devil got into my head and started playing rugby in it.

My uncle eventually died, My brother is heartbroken.

I realise that bussinesses crumble and friends lie, Families insult and homeless people have rubbish thrown at them.

I realised than loneliness is an epidemic and proberly one of the most dangerous plagues in the world. and that people surprise you. and sin is easier than doing whats right.


(I would like to point out I always knew such things they all just appeared to me at the wrong point)

The devil got into my head and played rugby.

Then, a good friend helped me realise I wasn't alone. Another reminded me that the bussiness is all materialistic. My brother and me had a conversation about God and the whole freewill/deterministic thing.

The family issues surrounding my uncle and what is going on there are slowly but surely resolving (well my nan is actually talking to that side of the family now)

The Devil played rugby in my head, nnd God turned the sprinkler system on and washed him of the pitch

Yesterday

No surprisingly It isn't the beatles lyrics. (sorry)

Yesterday I woke up with the feeling that something was going to happen to change my life as i knew it.

I was right.

It wasnt just one thing but the whole day. It was filled with heartbreaking little moments. I cried myself to sleep last night due to everything. I got up early and punched a wall (sorry charlie)

I love God that is never going to change and i trust him but damn my stupid human mind. Im so mad at him, my heart is completely broken. Im mad!!! All these people I care about are either screwed up (no offense) or in pain. I'm annoyed at myself more than i am with God I just want to point the finger. Great now i have come to that revelation Im crying more. Im completely useless.

I know good will come. I know it will but everything is such a mess.

(I would like to note my mood will proberly change tommorrow I have just had a couple of rough days. Gods in it. Its just my own stupid mind. everything will be ok quite simply because goodness still exists)

I am having a lovely week

i have decided to through away seriousness for a moment and talk about how much of a lovely time I am having. I am incredibly blessed. its not perfect but Im happy. short and sweet
love you all xx

Sunday servcie

Last Sunday was awesome. The creative metaphoric visuals that were used in the service and how so many age groups involved was amazing.

God really spoke to me today. twicw actually the first one was int he service itself. I have blogged recently about a few of the things that have been on my mind, my family, finances. I have kept most of it private just purely down to that I don't want to bore anyone and I am more of a suffer in silence type. God told me that everything was going to be ok. He gave me such a calm, undeniable peace in my heart, i can lose everything I have ever known but it is all in his hands. I am going to be ok. I might not have my perfect world (werid that I am on the brink of losing it all and it is now I realise how perfect it is) Im going to be ok.

The next thing is really difficult to explain so I am sorry if it becomes an incoherant mess. I have always felt like there was something wrong with me like I was different in some way. like there was something that wasn't quite right. I was talking to God about this and he told me that this thing was a good something. it wasn't something that was a hinderance or a problem it wasn't a bad thing. it makes me unique it makes me beautiful.

Our God is amazing wooooo

Identity

funny how we becoming defined by what we do or think? Criminal, Genius, artist, Chav all are titles we give people and thats how we end up seeing them.

The breakfast club is a brillent movie. It stars some of the 80's brat pack. I won't ruin the movie for you but the basic idea is that their are a group of five students who go into detention. each one fits a sterotype and well you realise that actual these people have an alwful lot in common with each other.

I remember very clearly a friend of mine speaking in church about why he didn't like someone. he could not realise why people were laughing. People weren't use to that honesty it was refreshing. Another friend stood up at an ignite session and laid out all her struggles and difficulties.

I admire these people and aspire to have more of their courage and honesty. I put a face on, I act, think, do, say everything in order to please everyone around me. My life and who I am is pretty much run around everyone around me. Therefore I am a completely different person around lets say my parents and my friends. I get lost in who I am and who I really am.

By measuring myself by other peoples standards this pushes God to the back. an image is a copy of something, the image is defined by whose image it is. Genesis 1 v 26 says that we are made in God's image. My identity, my sense of who I am comes from beyond others and beyond myself. It completely is dependent on him.

I've spent so long trying to accept my own worth and my significance that I didn't even realise how selfish I have been. It isn't about me, my image comes from God, to be able to find out who i am, who I really am, this means I need to seek him.

Please pray that I apply this to my life and that these aren't just words but I actually apply it to real life and I can change my thinking pattern.

accepting acceptance

I've mentioned it before but I am reading this amazing book at the moment called mirror, mirror. I will be putting in a few of the key points from the book but I wont do it justice.

I guess one of things i have discovered about myself is that I aim to get peoples approval. I have always felt that I am not good enough and that I have a need to be a certain way for people to love me.

This book really showed me that the worldtells you in order to be loved you need to have something loveable about you. A nice smell, a cute nose, a vibrant personality, blounde hair.

But the big point is we don't deserve to be loved.

This is not written to lower anyone self esteem but we dont I most certainly dont. I'm Selfish, I lie, I seek approval and praise (point being that I don't deserve it, by me stealing it God doesn't get the glory - more on this in a later blog)

Back to not deserving to be loved (got sidetracked)

God loves us anyway. We dont deserve it. We dont have lovable attributes we dont need them. God has so much love he accepts us as his children. he accepts the unacceptable.

So excited in the fact that I am completely unacceptable but I loved anyway. prayers please that I learn to accept that I am truely accepted.

Wooo our god is awesome

i promise i didnt just write that penny ur a loser

My blog has been invaded

Penny is borrowing my blog to rant as a tester. love you

raychels amazing i love her very much. she is always there wen i need a sholder to cry on. she will always be my friend. i will neva forget her. she is beautiful and funny and caring. dont eva forget that raychel! there are lot of people whp love you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I'm annoyed

I realise that this does happen very often, but I am Fuming.

I have been having conversations with various people and Im livid. Anorexia, Self Harm, Hating ourselfs, Hurt all of it is caused by other people and the stuff they say and do.

Something Charlie said in a previous blog "Words hurt" they do and it does lasting damage.

I spoke to someone tonight who I had hurt badly. I have not let on or blogged about it before just purely because it hurt so much. I let them down and selfishly the hurt that I felt was the guilt was the pain from missing them and the pure hatred I had for myself for doing that to someone I love (funny how we repress stuff?) This person phoned me (from a foreign country) cos he wanted me.

I got bullied and beaten up so much when I was younger I know the damage that can be done. the fear and the words begin to shape who you are. Those LIES you are told, (and they are lies) begin to be believed and begin to shape who you are. I now have to have a light on when I sleep and Im to scared to take chances regarding the opposite sex in case I get hurt again. Incase they hurt me again. I know I hurt people, I know I am. Part of my anger and my annoyance is at myself for doing these things but another part is the sadness that I am surrounded by these broken people.

Everywhere I look there are people feeling useless and unloved. They feel they aren't right like there is something wrong with them. Im mad and crying my eyes out and how human and screwy we really are. We break each other and hurt them with words.

Surrounding us our images telling us if we look, act, buy, do a certain thing then we will be happy. Thats not how happiness happens not really. Disney films (and others) say happiness is finding your true love. that isn't how you get happiness. Happiness is being content, happiness is finding the strength in who you are to drop and release the lies of being to fat, or to ugly or not being worth anything. Happiness is embracing and truely embracing the fact that Jesus has set us free.

If I have ever thrown a comment your way or broken your heart Im sorry. I pray that these comments these Lies that bond us and bind us into being half of the people we could be. I hope that we are truely set free.

Day three at the Shefford residence

I love house sitting for the sheffords. Charlie told me it is because I don't do anything.

Usually I make to do lists in my sleep get annoyed at myself when I dont do everything I need to do. so for the last three days I can honestly say I have done very little.

fractured a bone in my finger

Made a cake for Pennys family but this became quite dangerous for my car

fed a turtle and watched it eat out of pure weridness for nearly an hour

laid on a trampoline chatting and catching up.

went to work for half a day

played solitare

watched twilight twice

had late night vistors

I have absolutley loved it. My brain sort of emptys out and I have time to think I dont think I have mentioned the word planning or youth or amsimilation (its a model of immigration) once.
Charlie thank you for making it so fun.

Its been ages

Hey,

Its been so long, I feel like I am catching up with an old friend, how lame is that the fact i assosiate my blog with old friends. So as it has been ages I have decided to give a bit of a sum up.

Anyway my computer died and with help of lots of various people we worked out that I proberly couldn't fix it without an alwful lot of cash and effort so my incredibly amazing parents decided to get me a laptop. I am contributing money as well as doing bits and bobs around the factory which is cool actually.

Down to the recession and Engineering in the UK suffering at the moment my parents are really struggling. Its so sad to know that the bussiness they set up from stratch and have endured so much to run is likely to shut down after 30 years. I could blog on this for hours and my feelings on it. but I dont want to bore you all. so please pray. for me it is more the emotional loss of a place that has so many memories and is full of people that I have known since i was born . that place has shaped me and in a sense become part of who I am. so If God is willing please pray so that my parents bussiness survives. I also want to point out that my own feelings towards the factory and the bussiness will be nothing in comparison to my parents stress, upset and general emotional rollercoaster so please Pray for them.

Other News, I am trying to get all my uni assignments done for May so I can fundraise for Ugnada. I am planning to write loads on that in a bit.

I had an interview at Soul Survivor with Crofty and ali for Called to Lead a Gap Year programme that i was planning to do after university. It looks like such an amazing chance. If I am honest I have no idea about how it went, I was so scared, usually I dont get nervous over stuff like that but this time I had the whole thing sweaty palms, shaking, babbling so I dont think I gave them the best impression. I dont quite know where God is leading me after university but as long as he is leading me I really don't care.

anyway thats just a quick sum up as I used to blog everyday now it feels like forever. so expect an overload of stuff on here momentarily.

Once again thank u for your prayers they are greatly appresiated