I love the fact I am a mess.
I have done a whole art piece on being a mess. A Collage sort of thing (Im not one of the finalists in art competition I swear, Nice terminology) using the contence of my rubbish bin.
looks pretty.
God deals with Mess. He likes it. He shapes and forms Rubbish into something beautiful. Thats what he does with us. Sometimes we try to tidy up but all we do is make more of a mess.
Leave it to God. he is better than us at hoovering.
Wednesday 25 February 2009
Names of God
A while ago someone inspired me to find out about a lot of the different 'names' God has been given through out the bible. here is a list of just some of them.
I hope as you read through them. you feel inspired and encouraged as you can see part of Gods character just simply throughout his names. I hope it leaves you praising him.
PROVERBS 18 V 10
“The Name of the Lord is a strong tower: The righteous run to it and are safe”
EL – SHADDAI (GOD ALL SUFFICIENT)
ADONAI (MASTER, LORD)
ABBA (FATHER)
EL - ELYON (GOD MOST HIGH)
JEHOVAH NISSI (THE LORD OUR BANNER)
EL – OLAM (EVERLASTING GOD)
JEHOVAH JIREH (THE LORD OUR PROVIDER)
ALPHA AND THE OMEGA (FIRST AND LAST, BEGINNING AND END)
JEHOVAH SHALOM (THE LORD OUR PEACE)
JEHOVAH – ROHI (THE LORD OUR SHEPARD)
YHVH or YAHWEH (I AM)
IMMANUEL (GOD WITH US)
JEHOVAH ROPHE (THE GOD WHO HEALS)
EL ROI (LORD WHO SEE’S ME)
EL OLAM (THE MOST HIGH GOD)
(also check out Paul Baloches' tune 'Your Name')
I hope as you read through them. you feel inspired and encouraged as you can see part of Gods character just simply throughout his names. I hope it leaves you praising him.
PROVERBS 18 V 10
“The Name of the Lord is a strong tower: The righteous run to it and are safe”
EL – SHADDAI (GOD ALL SUFFICIENT)
ADONAI (MASTER, LORD)
ABBA (FATHER)
EL - ELYON (GOD MOST HIGH)
JEHOVAH NISSI (THE LORD OUR BANNER)
EL – OLAM (EVERLASTING GOD)
JEHOVAH JIREH (THE LORD OUR PROVIDER)
ALPHA AND THE OMEGA (FIRST AND LAST, BEGINNING AND END)
JEHOVAH SHALOM (THE LORD OUR PEACE)
JEHOVAH – ROHI (THE LORD OUR SHEPARD)
YHVH or YAHWEH (I AM)
IMMANUEL (GOD WITH US)
JEHOVAH ROPHE (THE GOD WHO HEALS)
EL ROI (LORD WHO SEE’S ME)
EL OLAM (THE MOST HIGH GOD)
(also check out Paul Baloches' tune 'Your Name')
Monday 23 February 2009
food poisioning
I have decided there is nothing fun about being Ill. Especially when its all down to Sausage and Mash!!!!
Some people see retirement as a joy being able to lay infront of the TV all day watching Trash and getting fat. Laying in until 11.
I hate it!!!!!!!!! I realise one of my main problems is sitting still. I dont concentrate in lectures without taking notes. I cant read without music blaring. Im a fidgiter. Even when we go to the pub I peel the label of my J2O bottle just so I am doing something. Im trying to work out why that is.
Over the last 48 hours I have slept 35 of them. I have nearly fainted, thrown up my own body weight (which I realise is impossible I just wrote that for dramatic effect) and watched the sound of music for the first time in my life. ( i now realised the toture that my mother was protecting me from all those years)
I also know all I am doing is feeling sorry for myself and being stupid. but I have also realised just how inspiring and encouraging I find Jackie and my mum.
Jackie, Never complains about her disease. she only ever mentions to people when she is in pain to get them to pray for her. Her mind and Heart is set completely on God's Incredible Grace. She says strong. She inspires me how she has come to terms with her illness and her faith in Gods Will and his plan for her life. I go to homegroup with this women. Our homegroup is like a family. you see people at there best and there worst she never complains, Never grumbles she just continues to praise God and serve him by serving others.
Next is my mum, She ate the dreaded Sausage and Mash with the Cameralised Onion Gravy too and although we shared a day feeling sorry for ourselfs. my mum got up this morning and went to work. she got on with it. honestly I feel like I can say I know how she is feeling and I am amazed at her. I dont know anyone who is less selfish or more hardworking than her.
I aspire to be more liek these women. I am now getting off my bum. going to go and have a shower, stop feeling sorry for myself and try to hold down a meal.
Some people see retirement as a joy being able to lay infront of the TV all day watching Trash and getting fat. Laying in until 11.
I hate it!!!!!!!!! I realise one of my main problems is sitting still. I dont concentrate in lectures without taking notes. I cant read without music blaring. Im a fidgiter. Even when we go to the pub I peel the label of my J2O bottle just so I am doing something. Im trying to work out why that is.
Over the last 48 hours I have slept 35 of them. I have nearly fainted, thrown up my own body weight (which I realise is impossible I just wrote that for dramatic effect) and watched the sound of music for the first time in my life. ( i now realised the toture that my mother was protecting me from all those years)
I also know all I am doing is feeling sorry for myself and being stupid. but I have also realised just how inspiring and encouraging I find Jackie and my mum.
Jackie, Never complains about her disease. she only ever mentions to people when she is in pain to get them to pray for her. Her mind and Heart is set completely on God's Incredible Grace. She says strong. She inspires me how she has come to terms with her illness and her faith in Gods Will and his plan for her life. I go to homegroup with this women. Our homegroup is like a family. you see people at there best and there worst she never complains, Never grumbles she just continues to praise God and serve him by serving others.
Next is my mum, She ate the dreaded Sausage and Mash with the Cameralised Onion Gravy too and although we shared a day feeling sorry for ourselfs. my mum got up this morning and went to work. she got on with it. honestly I feel like I can say I know how she is feeling and I am amazed at her. I dont know anyone who is less selfish or more hardworking than her.
I aspire to be more liek these women. I am now getting off my bum. going to go and have a shower, stop feeling sorry for myself and try to hold down a meal.
Saturday 21 February 2009
taking for granted....
Did you ever wonder about just how much stuff you take for granted?
To be honest a lot of the time I don't feel appresiated. A lot of the stuff I do I don't do it so that I feel appresiated and loved etc etc I do it for God and for the other people around me. I just wish that people would say thank you.
While I was thinking about this I was wondering all the stuff I take for Granted. like its all fair and good me saying that but how many times to I do it. How many times do I not say Thank you for something?
I think the worst part of it is God. I feel he never truely gets as much thanks as he deserves.
I was doing my chill out with God time and I put music on. It hit me I couldn't imagine being deaf. Not being able to hear the ocean when the waves roll in. Or be able to hear children laughing. or even your favourite music.
what about sight. The view from outside my window is amazing especially when the sun sets. Imagine not being able to see your childs face when you first gve birth to them or have no idea what a smile looked like.
I was working out how difficult drinking would be without glasses (Yes, I am sure the smart ones among you could refer to Gideons adventures in Judges) or what my life would be without my friends. Or even for the fact that I know God. Even without the promise of heaven being my home the fact I know him and I have a relationship with him is the greatest gift in all of the world.
Parents how many times have I got annoyed by them or hurt them but really I am so fortunate by having them. my prayer is that God opens my eyes to the people and the stuff I take for Granted and I have the wisdom to remember to say thank you for things just so other people feel appresiated.
To be honest a lot of the time I don't feel appresiated. A lot of the stuff I do I don't do it so that I feel appresiated and loved etc etc I do it for God and for the other people around me. I just wish that people would say thank you.
While I was thinking about this I was wondering all the stuff I take for Granted. like its all fair and good me saying that but how many times to I do it. How many times do I not say Thank you for something?
I think the worst part of it is God. I feel he never truely gets as much thanks as he deserves.
I was doing my chill out with God time and I put music on. It hit me I couldn't imagine being deaf. Not being able to hear the ocean when the waves roll in. Or be able to hear children laughing. or even your favourite music.
what about sight. The view from outside my window is amazing especially when the sun sets. Imagine not being able to see your childs face when you first gve birth to them or have no idea what a smile looked like.
I was working out how difficult drinking would be without glasses (Yes, I am sure the smart ones among you could refer to Gideons adventures in Judges) or what my life would be without my friends. Or even for the fact that I know God. Even without the promise of heaven being my home the fact I know him and I have a relationship with him is the greatest gift in all of the world.
Parents how many times have I got annoyed by them or hurt them but really I am so fortunate by having them. my prayer is that God opens my eyes to the people and the stuff I take for Granted and I have the wisdom to remember to say thank you for things just so other people feel appresiated.
Tuesday 17 February 2009
Testimony
I never know how to start things like this so this is a bit of the ever expanding story of the stuff God is doing in my life and how I became a Christian. It talks about how incredible God was even before I became a Christian and how he is and continually shaping me to become the person He wants me to be. All Glory to him.
I decided to start with my learning Difficulties (most of this is gathered from stories my parents have told me as I have very little memories until secondary school)
After reception my teachers and parents had conversations about how it is a possibility that I have dyslexia. She suggested to my mum that I had the official test. My mum refused (something I am so thankful off) she did not want a label to be placed around my neck. At the time I would be separated from my class mates and be excluded from most of the lessons. I had already been beaten up at school once and by being labelled as ‘special’ was something my parents didn’t want me to have to go through. They insisted I would grow out of it.
My parents had more meetings with my teachers about possibly putting me down a year. Apparently if I wasn’t put down a year statistics said I would have very little chance at even reaching my GCSE’s and apparently even with extra tuition and specialised help I had next to nothing chance of going to university.
My mum again refused and alongside a very determined teacher I was given extra work. I spent 2 hours on it after school a night
The rest until secondary school remains a huge blur really.
Gradually as I got older my parents worked more and more at there business we went on some very extravagant holidays and were richly blessed by some amazing opportunities. However I can not remember during this time ever having them pick me up from school or having a family meal or a day out.
By the time I reached Secondary School my learning problems had sort of dissolved into just working hard still even now I have to reread things and it takes twice as long to learn things than anything else.
As I reached Secondary school, and my parents were no longer around so much due to the business a member of my family started to attack me.
They would try wrestling moves on me, or see how far they could push me to annoy me. The second I tried to fight back the worse it got.
They had games with baseball bats, chairs and knifes.
One of there favourite was sitting on my back and pulling my head back. ( a famous wrestling move called the crippler)
Another example of what it was like is that one night in the early hours they snuck into my room and climbed on top of me threatening me, I can remember them slapping me saying how worthless I was and that how they was going to kill me and no one would care. They wouldn’t get off of me they just kept yelling at me how fat and ugly I was and how no one could ever love me. I tried to get them off of me and this angered them more they grasped my bedside lamp ( that had been on for about 5 hours) and put it against my skin.
My skin then melted and got stuck to the lamp. When the lamp was taken off. It ripped my skin off with it as well.
(Sorry I know it’s horrific. It makes me incredibly uncomfortable to write this down and it scares me a lot to talk about it, and its petrifying trying to work out what must be going through your head now.)
I spent years avoiding home, when I was there, I was scared, alone and practically helpless.
They used to try to do other stuff too, and I felt dirty and wrong and ashamed. My body is covered in scars even my breasts. I was hospitalised many times for cuts and bruises. I had stitches. False teeth all sorts.
But the stuff that affects me most is the psychological junk I was left with. they told lies to me that I still to this day, believe (I am working on it.) they told me I was useless and that no one would ever like me let alone love me. That no one cares about me and no one will ever love me for who I am.
I was seen as worthless and that I was never going to be good enough so I covered my life up with lies and exaggerations that eventually became part of who I am.
I put up Barriers around my heart not letting anyone get to close encase they find the real me and don’t like it.
My parents knew but didn’t realise the extent because they weren’t around much.
Unfortunately the way my parents are reconfirmed the lies I was told. My parent’s have a very strong work ethic. They are always wanting me to do more and expecting more of me which is a good thing. They always wanted me to be the best that I could be. I can remember the specific occasions they have said well done or that they are proud of me just because it was a rarity.
My parents are incredibly strong and I have never heard them say sorry nor give sympathy. Goodness I make them sounds awful. They are not it was just there up bringing.
When I spoke to my dad about my Teenage years his response was that it didn’t happen “He wouldn’t let that happen”
This continued on and on for many years.
Just after my parent’s 25th wedding anniversary.
My grandpa developed myeloma (a type of cancer of the blood) this devastated my family. My mum bottled everything up and became a machine.
So secondary school sucked majorly. I was getting bullied at school, my Grandpa became sicker and sicker, I was getting bullied at home and the tension in my house could be cut by a knife.
I then met Helen. The first time I met her we sat down and had a conversation at whose life sucked more. Amazingly I could be honest with her. She is the closest person at breaking down the barriers in my heart as to date. But the conversation with her just seemed so natural. Something which still remains a complete miracle in my eyes.
Helen was different she had this spark that when she walked into the room everyone noticed. She was a real girl, always in a skirt getting all the boys she wanted and had a confidence to speak. Helen liked to be the centre of attention whereas I was the opposite. Hiding in the corner, goofy.
As our friendship developed she took me to meet some of her church friends; I was so scared so nervous. We went to the cinema and this day still remains one of the highlights of my life. One girl, half rugby tackled me to the ground due to hugging me. I never really hugged anyone before this day. To me this was so weird; here I had a girl hugging me a complete stranger. She was hugging me.
We went to the cinema and I completely loved it, this people were so different it was like they loved me straight away I didn’t have to say anything or do anything they just cared. I never had that before the feeling that someone cared.
I stayed over Helen’s house that night and it was crazy. There were 6 kids and her mum was heavily pregnant with the next one. It was chaotic and so full of life and love, the older ones were helping the younger ones, and the younger ones wanted hugs and attention from the older ones. Helen had told me about the fights they had but what I could see was the opposite of my family and I loved it.
So I went to church for the first time. it came as a shock the fact there wasn’t any pews or hymn type songs. Didn’t pay any attention at all to the talks. I liked Joe so I kept going to church. It was a great excuse to see more of these amazing infectious people.
I still felt like I didn’t belong. I always hide the fact that I wasn’t a Christian. I was so scared that if these people knew the truth. My new friends would abandon me and I wanted to prove myself. So I put on an act pretended that I was just like them, hoping just to belong.
After time I realised that I still had this hole in my heart and I needed more. I started hanging out with a different group of friends at school and got myself a boyfriend called Geoff.
Geoff and I were close, we got on so well and he was so sweet and funny. I made friends with his friends and got close to a group of blokes from different background. I felt weird like I had put on a mask and I was part of a group.
I wasn’t an outsider which to be honest I had always felt like at church. Everyone else had grown up there or had a relative there Joe was one of the Georges. Helen was a Sare, me I was alone. In this group it wasn’t like that I wasn’t just one of Helens friends I was counted, I was one of them. I and Geoff got closer and closer.
I still occasionally went to Gap, or Church but to be honest the connection and fun wasn’t there anymore. I had to cause tension with my mum or depend on the Sare’s to get me there and back and I hated that.
I told my friends that it was the fact I had to work but it wasn’t. It was that when I was there it was like looking in to somebody else’s life through a closed door. Whenever I was there I felt like everyone else had something that just I didn’t have.
So I sank further and further into my new friends who would fight for me and more than occasionally did.
On the 21st of April 2004 My Grandpa died.
We knew he was going to die, On the Friday I had of school and he was still walking around fighting the agonising pain in his bones still pretending there was nothing wrong, trying to protect us I guess.
On the Saturday his 104 year old mum came to visit him. He was so weak she had to climb out of her wheel chair in order to hug him.
On the Sunday I went to work. He asked for me and I wasn’t there. It was the first day in his entire life that he had never gotten out of bed.
Monday morning at about 5 am we got a phone call and went over to my grandparents house. At 7.05 he was dead; we all sat around his bed. I hid in the door way behind my brother.
(I am going to apologise for the next few paragraphs I am hoping that by trying to describe how it felt to you. You might give me some small justification for the things I did next.)
I watched someone take there last breath I saw him draw in air and seeing it never come out again. I watched his hair fall out slowly and I watched this incredible person I loved so much turn slowly yellow as his liver packed in. I dealt with fainting, fits, hospital trips, throwing up blood, and wheel chairs. Last dances, promises being broken and watched my family fall apart. I watched someone die. You see people die in films and it’s never realistic. It is never like that.
We all spent some time with his body alone, when it came round to my turn I lost it!!!!! I had been going to church, been praying, and learning bits of the bible and for what. He had died anyway.
Why should I live my life without getting drunk? Without having sex with Geoff? Without trying drugs? Why not when the people I love get hurt anyway.
The individual who is remaining nameless got more violent taking his anger and pain out on me, while I got into drugs (cannabis, poppers and snorted some coke but only did that a couple of times) drinking and having fun. I got into fist fights outside of my home life just trying to find something that would release some of the anger and pain that I experienced.
Geoff and my group of lads became a little group. All of us had somehow become excluded from what seemed like everyone else’s world. So we stuck together. We did stupid stuff from starting fights, to drugs. Luckily I never had sex with Geoff, I loved him and he loved me but we always stopped ourselves. I needed him; and with the joy of hindsight I can see that he was the only real thing I had. Everything else sped by at what felt like double speed. Geoff was real when I got annoyed or upset or lost my temper he knew exactly what to do.
I knuckled down for my GCSE’s. Geoff helped. He was hospitalised due to s pretty awlful football match and we grew closer and closer
I passed all 10. Grade C and above. Not bad for someone who apparently didn’t stand a chance at it?
The Prom this was like torture. The gang had spilt. One of the girls had slept with about 3 of the boys causing a huge rift within the group. At that point I left, Geoff came too as did several of the others.
I still see Geoff and Chris but I don’t see the others.
I decided I wanted to become a Christian somewhere between July and the end of August. I was waiting for a bus to go to Huntingdon in my village and there was this tree and it was one of those idyllic days sun was shinning and it was just good.
I later told Helen about my decision later on in our legendary trip to America. I can’t remember any massive change or effect. I just grew up.
At the end of the summer, Geoff and I broke up. The reasons for I have no idea I just didn’t feel it any more. With the joys of hindsight I wonder now if things would be any different if we stayed together. God gave me Geoff to keep me sane and stop me from doing anything to stupid once I was out of that place that relationship was no longer needed
we went to do our A Levels and still remain friends to this day. I built my relationships up again with my friends at church and I belonged.
The Older generation still didn’t pay me a great deal of attention. My the individual had backed off as with my new found confidence. I could fight back and this time not with my fists. I could do it with my words. The abuse at that point then stopped.
I gradually realised that it was all right to cry and he healed me for the pain I was feeling.
With my new found faith stuff with my parents got worse. My Parents aren't Christians so because I got a lot more outspoken about it. My parents didn’t react well to it as I was learning so much and getting more and more excited about Jesus as my walk continued. My parents just saw it as a load of rubbish. I got a lot of the ‘Your brainwashed' stuff and it broke my heart. I felt distant from them and like I had to choose either my faith or them. it felt like my choice had distanced us even more.
The Second time at Soul Survivor God gave me forgiveness for the person who bullied me for so many years and gave me peace about our relationship. I also decided to take a gap year. I had gotten into 7 different universitys something that the 'professionals' said was impossible. The Gap year was such‘Godism’ (something God does) I knew that it would tear my family apart more and it did. The consequences of this were awful.
They refused fully to have anything to do with church. The fights were horrific. I had very little support I was being attacked from ever direction by the devil. One member of my family offered me a substantial amount of money not to do it.
Although I was going through so much difficulty at home, God blessed me richly during this year I started helping out at the youth persons club where I met these incredibly special kids. I completely fell in love. I felt great about the stuff I was doing with these kids. He put me a support system in place and my faith grew largely this year as well as my knowledge. I learnt a lot about perseverance.
Helen and I had a huge row and our friendship faltered for 3 months which was a huge blow. With all this pressure and the fights with my parents I battled with a lot of suicidal thought.
On one Sunday I had planned to run myself into a tree. I wrote notes to my parents, planned it out perfectly. I even handed Helen my diary so hopefully she would understand why I did what I did. So I left for church.
After the service Cassie (a girl from RNA) told me that she loved me. I changed my mind as soon as she walked away. I imagined Steph trying to explain to them what I did and why?
Then when I came back, Helen was on my doorstep. We made up much to my resentment. She was sorry and so was I. our time apart taught me that I didn’t need Helen but I wanted her. I only need God.
I gradually became part of the church and started to feel at home there. now as I am writing this I can't imagine being anywhere else.
Soul Survivor is an amazing place. the following year God took me through all the stuff again about what happened.
For the first time that I can remember I was a child, I sat there crying my eyes out, going through all the torment and fear my family brought into my life. This time though I was crying. this time I was letting it out, this time I showed my emotions.
I was curled up begging God to protect me. I curled up into a little ball and cried my eyes out. I kept crying 2 things in particular first were begging him not to let him near me over and over again. I said I kind of went through it all again in mind but it was weird I couldn’t see it all I could see were these eyes that petrified me and just the feeling of fear and the only few words that kept continually going through my mind were don’t let him near me, don’t let him touch me please god don’t let him near me. I knew I was at soul survivor I know I was in that tent with so many people but the fear was so real. It felt so real. I was so scared I am getting Goosebumps even now thinking about it I was petrified. It was making me cry even more.
A lady from the enabling team came over and she was praying and she just knew instantly she knew all the details and was telling me stuff about my life. She encouraged me to tell someone. God told me that he would protect me and slowly but surely God is working through my issues with me. the following year a similar thing happened he allowed me to realise more of the pain and promised me that I would never be haunted by this stuff again.
and It is true this year has been amazing. I’m discovering who I am and who God wants me to be, My insecurities are slowly but surely being removed and who I am in him. Im free to be myself and Im trying to embrace that. hek I went out in a skirt the other day because I felt like it.
Every day I am doing more and more and learning more and more about who I am in God. Who would of thought that a shy, little girl could preach Gods word.
I used to beg God not to send me home after stuff like Soul Survivor but I was given Mark 5 and the story of Legion. He also begged to stay with him but Jesus sent him out to go and preach, to go and make Him Known. To go and make disciples, to go and give God glory. That is the aim for my life to bring my lord Glory.
God brought me through so much and so many stories and I could write pages at how incredible God has been to me. I hope this might inspire you to sing his praises.
I was Beaten, Bullied, Broken and Bruised but in him I was made whole.
I decided to start with my learning Difficulties (most of this is gathered from stories my parents have told me as I have very little memories until secondary school)
After reception my teachers and parents had conversations about how it is a possibility that I have dyslexia. She suggested to my mum that I had the official test. My mum refused (something I am so thankful off) she did not want a label to be placed around my neck. At the time I would be separated from my class mates and be excluded from most of the lessons. I had already been beaten up at school once and by being labelled as ‘special’ was something my parents didn’t want me to have to go through. They insisted I would grow out of it.
My parents had more meetings with my teachers about possibly putting me down a year. Apparently if I wasn’t put down a year statistics said I would have very little chance at even reaching my GCSE’s and apparently even with extra tuition and specialised help I had next to nothing chance of going to university.
My mum again refused and alongside a very determined teacher I was given extra work. I spent 2 hours on it after school a night
The rest until secondary school remains a huge blur really.
Gradually as I got older my parents worked more and more at there business we went on some very extravagant holidays and were richly blessed by some amazing opportunities. However I can not remember during this time ever having them pick me up from school or having a family meal or a day out.
By the time I reached Secondary School my learning problems had sort of dissolved into just working hard still even now I have to reread things and it takes twice as long to learn things than anything else.
As I reached Secondary school, and my parents were no longer around so much due to the business a member of my family started to attack me.
They would try wrestling moves on me, or see how far they could push me to annoy me. The second I tried to fight back the worse it got.
They had games with baseball bats, chairs and knifes.
One of there favourite was sitting on my back and pulling my head back. ( a famous wrestling move called the crippler)
Another example of what it was like is that one night in the early hours they snuck into my room and climbed on top of me threatening me, I can remember them slapping me saying how worthless I was and that how they was going to kill me and no one would care. They wouldn’t get off of me they just kept yelling at me how fat and ugly I was and how no one could ever love me. I tried to get them off of me and this angered them more they grasped my bedside lamp ( that had been on for about 5 hours) and put it against my skin.
My skin then melted and got stuck to the lamp. When the lamp was taken off. It ripped my skin off with it as well.
(Sorry I know it’s horrific. It makes me incredibly uncomfortable to write this down and it scares me a lot to talk about it, and its petrifying trying to work out what must be going through your head now.)
I spent years avoiding home, when I was there, I was scared, alone and practically helpless.
They used to try to do other stuff too, and I felt dirty and wrong and ashamed. My body is covered in scars even my breasts. I was hospitalised many times for cuts and bruises. I had stitches. False teeth all sorts.
But the stuff that affects me most is the psychological junk I was left with. they told lies to me that I still to this day, believe (I am working on it.) they told me I was useless and that no one would ever like me let alone love me. That no one cares about me and no one will ever love me for who I am.
I was seen as worthless and that I was never going to be good enough so I covered my life up with lies and exaggerations that eventually became part of who I am.
I put up Barriers around my heart not letting anyone get to close encase they find the real me and don’t like it.
My parents knew but didn’t realise the extent because they weren’t around much.
Unfortunately the way my parents are reconfirmed the lies I was told. My parent’s have a very strong work ethic. They are always wanting me to do more and expecting more of me which is a good thing. They always wanted me to be the best that I could be. I can remember the specific occasions they have said well done or that they are proud of me just because it was a rarity.
My parents are incredibly strong and I have never heard them say sorry nor give sympathy. Goodness I make them sounds awful. They are not it was just there up bringing.
When I spoke to my dad about my Teenage years his response was that it didn’t happen “He wouldn’t let that happen”
This continued on and on for many years.
Just after my parent’s 25th wedding anniversary.
My grandpa developed myeloma (a type of cancer of the blood) this devastated my family. My mum bottled everything up and became a machine.
So secondary school sucked majorly. I was getting bullied at school, my Grandpa became sicker and sicker, I was getting bullied at home and the tension in my house could be cut by a knife.
I then met Helen. The first time I met her we sat down and had a conversation at whose life sucked more. Amazingly I could be honest with her. She is the closest person at breaking down the barriers in my heart as to date. But the conversation with her just seemed so natural. Something which still remains a complete miracle in my eyes.
Helen was different she had this spark that when she walked into the room everyone noticed. She was a real girl, always in a skirt getting all the boys she wanted and had a confidence to speak. Helen liked to be the centre of attention whereas I was the opposite. Hiding in the corner, goofy.
As our friendship developed she took me to meet some of her church friends; I was so scared so nervous. We went to the cinema and this day still remains one of the highlights of my life. One girl, half rugby tackled me to the ground due to hugging me. I never really hugged anyone before this day. To me this was so weird; here I had a girl hugging me a complete stranger. She was hugging me.
We went to the cinema and I completely loved it, this people were so different it was like they loved me straight away I didn’t have to say anything or do anything they just cared. I never had that before the feeling that someone cared.
I stayed over Helen’s house that night and it was crazy. There were 6 kids and her mum was heavily pregnant with the next one. It was chaotic and so full of life and love, the older ones were helping the younger ones, and the younger ones wanted hugs and attention from the older ones. Helen had told me about the fights they had but what I could see was the opposite of my family and I loved it.
So I went to church for the first time. it came as a shock the fact there wasn’t any pews or hymn type songs. Didn’t pay any attention at all to the talks. I liked Joe so I kept going to church. It was a great excuse to see more of these amazing infectious people.
I still felt like I didn’t belong. I always hide the fact that I wasn’t a Christian. I was so scared that if these people knew the truth. My new friends would abandon me and I wanted to prove myself. So I put on an act pretended that I was just like them, hoping just to belong.
After time I realised that I still had this hole in my heart and I needed more. I started hanging out with a different group of friends at school and got myself a boyfriend called Geoff.
Geoff and I were close, we got on so well and he was so sweet and funny. I made friends with his friends and got close to a group of blokes from different background. I felt weird like I had put on a mask and I was part of a group.
I wasn’t an outsider which to be honest I had always felt like at church. Everyone else had grown up there or had a relative there Joe was one of the Georges. Helen was a Sare, me I was alone. In this group it wasn’t like that I wasn’t just one of Helens friends I was counted, I was one of them. I and Geoff got closer and closer.
I still occasionally went to Gap, or Church but to be honest the connection and fun wasn’t there anymore. I had to cause tension with my mum or depend on the Sare’s to get me there and back and I hated that.
I told my friends that it was the fact I had to work but it wasn’t. It was that when I was there it was like looking in to somebody else’s life through a closed door. Whenever I was there I felt like everyone else had something that just I didn’t have.
So I sank further and further into my new friends who would fight for me and more than occasionally did.
On the 21st of April 2004 My Grandpa died.
We knew he was going to die, On the Friday I had of school and he was still walking around fighting the agonising pain in his bones still pretending there was nothing wrong, trying to protect us I guess.
On the Saturday his 104 year old mum came to visit him. He was so weak she had to climb out of her wheel chair in order to hug him.
On the Sunday I went to work. He asked for me and I wasn’t there. It was the first day in his entire life that he had never gotten out of bed.
Monday morning at about 5 am we got a phone call and went over to my grandparents house. At 7.05 he was dead; we all sat around his bed. I hid in the door way behind my brother.
(I am going to apologise for the next few paragraphs I am hoping that by trying to describe how it felt to you. You might give me some small justification for the things I did next.)
I watched someone take there last breath I saw him draw in air and seeing it never come out again. I watched his hair fall out slowly and I watched this incredible person I loved so much turn slowly yellow as his liver packed in. I dealt with fainting, fits, hospital trips, throwing up blood, and wheel chairs. Last dances, promises being broken and watched my family fall apart. I watched someone die. You see people die in films and it’s never realistic. It is never like that.
We all spent some time with his body alone, when it came round to my turn I lost it!!!!! I had been going to church, been praying, and learning bits of the bible and for what. He had died anyway.
Why should I live my life without getting drunk? Without having sex with Geoff? Without trying drugs? Why not when the people I love get hurt anyway.
The individual who is remaining nameless got more violent taking his anger and pain out on me, while I got into drugs (cannabis, poppers and snorted some coke but only did that a couple of times) drinking and having fun. I got into fist fights outside of my home life just trying to find something that would release some of the anger and pain that I experienced.
Geoff and my group of lads became a little group. All of us had somehow become excluded from what seemed like everyone else’s world. So we stuck together. We did stupid stuff from starting fights, to drugs. Luckily I never had sex with Geoff, I loved him and he loved me but we always stopped ourselves. I needed him; and with the joy of hindsight I can see that he was the only real thing I had. Everything else sped by at what felt like double speed. Geoff was real when I got annoyed or upset or lost my temper he knew exactly what to do.
I knuckled down for my GCSE’s. Geoff helped. He was hospitalised due to s pretty awlful football match and we grew closer and closer
I passed all 10. Grade C and above. Not bad for someone who apparently didn’t stand a chance at it?
The Prom this was like torture. The gang had spilt. One of the girls had slept with about 3 of the boys causing a huge rift within the group. At that point I left, Geoff came too as did several of the others.
I still see Geoff and Chris but I don’t see the others.
I decided I wanted to become a Christian somewhere between July and the end of August. I was waiting for a bus to go to Huntingdon in my village and there was this tree and it was one of those idyllic days sun was shinning and it was just good.
I later told Helen about my decision later on in our legendary trip to America. I can’t remember any massive change or effect. I just grew up.
At the end of the summer, Geoff and I broke up. The reasons for I have no idea I just didn’t feel it any more. With the joys of hindsight I wonder now if things would be any different if we stayed together. God gave me Geoff to keep me sane and stop me from doing anything to stupid once I was out of that place that relationship was no longer needed
we went to do our A Levels and still remain friends to this day. I built my relationships up again with my friends at church and I belonged.
The Older generation still didn’t pay me a great deal of attention. My the individual had backed off as with my new found confidence. I could fight back and this time not with my fists. I could do it with my words. The abuse at that point then stopped.
I gradually realised that it was all right to cry and he healed me for the pain I was feeling.
With my new found faith stuff with my parents got worse. My Parents aren't Christians so because I got a lot more outspoken about it. My parents didn’t react well to it as I was learning so much and getting more and more excited about Jesus as my walk continued. My parents just saw it as a load of rubbish. I got a lot of the ‘Your brainwashed' stuff and it broke my heart. I felt distant from them and like I had to choose either my faith or them. it felt like my choice had distanced us even more.
The Second time at Soul Survivor God gave me forgiveness for the person who bullied me for so many years and gave me peace about our relationship. I also decided to take a gap year. I had gotten into 7 different universitys something that the 'professionals' said was impossible. The Gap year was such‘Godism’ (something God does) I knew that it would tear my family apart more and it did. The consequences of this were awful.
They refused fully to have anything to do with church. The fights were horrific. I had very little support I was being attacked from ever direction by the devil. One member of my family offered me a substantial amount of money not to do it.
Although I was going through so much difficulty at home, God blessed me richly during this year I started helping out at the youth persons club where I met these incredibly special kids. I completely fell in love. I felt great about the stuff I was doing with these kids. He put me a support system in place and my faith grew largely this year as well as my knowledge. I learnt a lot about perseverance.
Helen and I had a huge row and our friendship faltered for 3 months which was a huge blow. With all this pressure and the fights with my parents I battled with a lot of suicidal thought.
On one Sunday I had planned to run myself into a tree. I wrote notes to my parents, planned it out perfectly. I even handed Helen my diary so hopefully she would understand why I did what I did. So I left for church.
After the service Cassie (a girl from RNA) told me that she loved me. I changed my mind as soon as she walked away. I imagined Steph trying to explain to them what I did and why?
Then when I came back, Helen was on my doorstep. We made up much to my resentment. She was sorry and so was I. our time apart taught me that I didn’t need Helen but I wanted her. I only need God.
I gradually became part of the church and started to feel at home there. now as I am writing this I can't imagine being anywhere else.
Soul Survivor is an amazing place. the following year God took me through all the stuff again about what happened.
For the first time that I can remember I was a child, I sat there crying my eyes out, going through all the torment and fear my family brought into my life. This time though I was crying. this time I was letting it out, this time I showed my emotions.
I was curled up begging God to protect me. I curled up into a little ball and cried my eyes out. I kept crying 2 things in particular first were begging him not to let him near me over and over again. I said I kind of went through it all again in mind but it was weird I couldn’t see it all I could see were these eyes that petrified me and just the feeling of fear and the only few words that kept continually going through my mind were don’t let him near me, don’t let him touch me please god don’t let him near me. I knew I was at soul survivor I know I was in that tent with so many people but the fear was so real. It felt so real. I was so scared I am getting Goosebumps even now thinking about it I was petrified. It was making me cry even more.
A lady from the enabling team came over and she was praying and she just knew instantly she knew all the details and was telling me stuff about my life. She encouraged me to tell someone. God told me that he would protect me and slowly but surely God is working through my issues with me. the following year a similar thing happened he allowed me to realise more of the pain and promised me that I would never be haunted by this stuff again.
and It is true this year has been amazing. I’m discovering who I am and who God wants me to be, My insecurities are slowly but surely being removed and who I am in him. Im free to be myself and Im trying to embrace that. hek I went out in a skirt the other day because I felt like it.
Every day I am doing more and more and learning more and more about who I am in God. Who would of thought that a shy, little girl could preach Gods word.
I used to beg God not to send me home after stuff like Soul Survivor but I was given Mark 5 and the story of Legion. He also begged to stay with him but Jesus sent him out to go and preach, to go and make Him Known. To go and make disciples, to go and give God glory. That is the aim for my life to bring my lord Glory.
God brought me through so much and so many stories and I could write pages at how incredible God has been to me. I hope this might inspire you to sing his praises.
I was Beaten, Bullied, Broken and Bruised but in him I was made whole.
motivation
I used to think that the motivation behind something was important in defining the act.
so for example If you are late for something surely the reason why you are late is an important factor. I am late because I was helping my Mum.
having a valid reason still doesn't make the act any better.
I realised recently that in arguements, people are hurting in them. nothing else should matter. The motivations, that wrongs they have done to you, the wrongs you have done to them. If you care about people and they are hurting surely you should overlook all of that just to make things right again.
People aren't perfect. Im late for everything because I do so much for so many people I always end up cutting stuff short without breakfast or dinner. Im always up until early hours in the morning catching up with uni work etc because I have an inability to say no to people and then I wake up late. but this is just an example the reasoning behind it is not important the point still is that I am late.
The motivation and reasons behind the Act no not make the Act ok.
so for example If you are late for something surely the reason why you are late is an important factor. I am late because I was helping my Mum.
having a valid reason still doesn't make the act any better.
I realised recently that in arguements, people are hurting in them. nothing else should matter. The motivations, that wrongs they have done to you, the wrongs you have done to them. If you care about people and they are hurting surely you should overlook all of that just to make things right again.
People aren't perfect. Im late for everything because I do so much for so many people I always end up cutting stuff short without breakfast or dinner. Im always up until early hours in the morning catching up with uni work etc because I have an inability to say no to people and then I wake up late. but this is just an example the reasoning behind it is not important the point still is that I am late.
The motivation and reasons behind the Act no not make the Act ok.
Friday 13 February 2009
Relationships
Everyone was waiting for this one Im sure. I hate valentines day. my intire life I have doubted I am loved so when It happens (not if, when see) I hope that they not just have to have one stupid day a year to tell me that I am loved.
I like a boy (alot) Its a bit of a big deal just because I havent liked a boy properly for a very long time. I decided to not get into a relationship with any one as I felt I had to sort myself out a bit first (We are working on it) Why go in guns blazzing without knowing precisely what you want and waste a good friendship? I get serious girl face over this guy and most the time I want to jump on him and kiss him (like 99% of the time) luckily resisting the urges.
So relationships whats the key currently.
I have one friend who is completely loved up and engaged (wooooooo so excited) and another one whose heart was smashed. One where she dumped the guy she is in love with because he wasn't a christian.
God puts people together because they want them to do his work. To rely on each other. keep them accountable, to look after each other and to encourage each other. You should be able to have fun, to cry and to talk about anything a connection so strong that you know when something is off with the other one even a milion miles away.
In the relationship it should be a triangle. you, the other person and god. When speaking to various married people. they said they just knew it was right. They didnt have to pretend they were just them and that was ok. They knew that it was right. sort of like how you have your friends and then you have your friends those people who you can sit in silence with, those people who can tell when your annoyed and who tell you when your being an idiot. only its amplified.
SO I like a boy. I dunno if I want to see were it goes. It makes me sad when im not with him and I act like a girl. He makes me want to be a better person and is such a god given gift. (as just a friend if not more) so do I want this sort of relationship amplified? Am I ready for it? Does he want it? I havent felt this in a long time and to fall so heavy its a big thing. Do I want to let him in to rachels emotional bubble in which no one is allowed in? does he want to come in? do I really know him? am I in the right place? is he in the right place?
It would be easier not to like this person. If it wasnt complicated enough his brother blatenly likes me. Definatly not cool.
I like a boy (alot) Its a bit of a big deal just because I havent liked a boy properly for a very long time. I decided to not get into a relationship with any one as I felt I had to sort myself out a bit first (We are working on it) Why go in guns blazzing without knowing precisely what you want and waste a good friendship? I get serious girl face over this guy and most the time I want to jump on him and kiss him (like 99% of the time) luckily resisting the urges.
So relationships whats the key currently.
I have one friend who is completely loved up and engaged (wooooooo so excited) and another one whose heart was smashed. One where she dumped the guy she is in love with because he wasn't a christian.
God puts people together because they want them to do his work. To rely on each other. keep them accountable, to look after each other and to encourage each other. You should be able to have fun, to cry and to talk about anything a connection so strong that you know when something is off with the other one even a milion miles away.
In the relationship it should be a triangle. you, the other person and god. When speaking to various married people. they said they just knew it was right. They didnt have to pretend they were just them and that was ok. They knew that it was right. sort of like how you have your friends and then you have your friends those people who you can sit in silence with, those people who can tell when your annoyed and who tell you when your being an idiot. only its amplified.
SO I like a boy. I dunno if I want to see were it goes. It makes me sad when im not with him and I act like a girl. He makes me want to be a better person and is such a god given gift. (as just a friend if not more) so do I want this sort of relationship amplified? Am I ready for it? Does he want it? I havent felt this in a long time and to fall so heavy its a big thing. Do I want to let him in to rachels emotional bubble in which no one is allowed in? does he want to come in? do I really know him? am I in the right place? is he in the right place?
It would be easier not to like this person. If it wasnt complicated enough his brother blatenly likes me. Definatly not cool.
Grrrrrrrrrrr
Do you ever find that the person you are annoyed at the most is yourself?
I have a friend I wont say who. but they had anything that makes them sad. they dont debate with people as it makes them feel down. they don't watch sad movies. they are set on having fun. I completely admire this person. althoughit just rise questions in me I admire the childlike nature of just having fun and celebrating the fact that god gives us laughter.
I am an optimist with anything that doesnt involve myself. I love the world around me. I love God and I have an amazing life. so why still aren't I happy. I hear time and time again that God completes your life he fills that gapeing hole in you, and he does. Just why do we still always want more. Is happiness really just being content with what you have? as in happiness not wanting more?
Over my travels I have seen people who have next to nothing yet they are happy. I want to be a person who can lose everything but still praise GOd, to still be happy just to have him. to praise god for the laughter.
I have a friend I wont say who. but they had anything that makes them sad. they dont debate with people as it makes them feel down. they don't watch sad movies. they are set on having fun. I completely admire this person. althoughit just rise questions in me I admire the childlike nature of just having fun and celebrating the fact that god gives us laughter.
I am an optimist with anything that doesnt involve myself. I love the world around me. I love God and I have an amazing life. so why still aren't I happy. I hear time and time again that God completes your life he fills that gapeing hole in you, and he does. Just why do we still always want more. Is happiness really just being content with what you have? as in happiness not wanting more?
Over my travels I have seen people who have next to nothing yet they are happy. I want to be a person who can lose everything but still praise GOd, to still be happy just to have him. to praise god for the laughter.
Wednesday 11 February 2009
before its too late
"Before It's Too Late" goo goo dolls
I wander through fiction to look for the truth
Buried beneath all the lies
and I stood at a distance
To feel who you are
Hiding myself in your eyes
And
hold on before it's too late
We'll run till we leave this behind
Don't fall just be who you are
It's all that we need in our lives
and the risk that might break you
Is the one that would save
A life you don't live is still lost
So stand on the edge with me
Hold back your fear and see
Nothing is real 'til it's gone
So live like you mean it
Love 'til you feel it
It's all that we need in our lives
So stand on the edge with me
Hold back your fear and see
Nothing is real 'til it's gone
It's all that we need in our lives
It's all that I need in my life
these are the lyrics of one of my favourite songs. I just love them.
I wander through fiction to look for the truth
Buried beneath all the lies
and I stood at a distance
To feel who you are
Hiding myself in your eyes
And
hold on before it's too late
We'll run till we leave this behind
Don't fall just be who you are
It's all that we need in our lives
and the risk that might break you
Is the one that would save
A life you don't live is still lost
So stand on the edge with me
Hold back your fear and see
Nothing is real 'til it's gone
So live like you mean it
Love 'til you feel it
It's all that we need in our lives
So stand on the edge with me
Hold back your fear and see
Nothing is real 'til it's gone
It's all that we need in our lives
It's all that I need in my life
these are the lyrics of one of my favourite songs. I just love them.
Tuesday 3 February 2009
Please ignore
So I have been trying to again copy Helen and write this stupid Quiz thing on Facebook called 25 things. Basically you write a list of 25 things people perhaps didn't know about you. I couldn't do One.
Im pretty sure this isn't down to the fact I talk about myself all the time and tell everyone all my secrets. I think it is because even I don't know them.
I know as you grow and mature you learn more and more about who you are as a person and about who you are in God. So I know I am loved. Im worth so much to him the fact He died for me. Pretty Painfully. so Im worth something and believing in him and loving him means that I have freedom from sin. I have freedom to be myself.
Because of my childhood, I put a face on. I do it so that I can be whatever people want me to be without really truely putting myself out there (without ever being Vunerable) because what happens if I take the mask off and the people who love the pretend rachel don't love the real one. Even If I wanted to take it off the problem is I dunno when Rachel begins and pretend Rachel ends.
Next year Im going to read this and do it again 9th of Feburary 2010
So this is my attempt. This is me If you hate me afterwards Im sorry that Im secretly and emotional wreck and I love you guys anyway. No Pretend Rachel, just me the true 25 things
1. I got beaten up pretty badly as a kid. It left me with a lot of insecurities but the truth is I always made it worse. I used to fight back. I get hit I would hit back. It never ended well. I never really talked about it as its something people hate hearing. I show off about being "tough" to avoid discussion about it.
2. The people I love deserve better than me
3. I would love to be one part of a marriage
4. I am a huge girl. I love flowers (tulips are my favourite)
5. Im Petrified of doing this. please dont comment it will freak me out
6. I make myself as busy as I can to avoid the hole in my heart
7. My bed is metal and when I got scared I used to curl up under it and put all the boxes around myself to hide
8. I hate Mice and Rats. There tails freak me out
9. I hate it when people grope me or hug/touch me without warning. It reminds me of worse times
10. I would be nothing without God. This is definate fact!!!!!
11. I act like an idiot 99% of the time
12. Im so close to crying right now its ridicluous. Im so beyond crap its unbelievable
13. I hate horror films. I used to like them but who wants to see someone tortured? what sort of person enjoys watching someone saw of his own leg?
14. Im petrified most the time when I am around other people. what are they thinking? is it uncomfortable? what do I say?
15. apparently I flirt with everyone although I have no idea how to flirt so I have no idea what I am doing. I thought flirting was like flicking your hair and trying to get the guys attention. I dont think I do that. I dunno how to flirt. I think I do it without realising it
16. My favourite place in the world is the road heading from Godmanchesterto Offord and you hit the big hill. You can see for miles. When the Sunsets its Beautiful.
17. I hate sitting still. Much prefer doing stuff
18. I hate TV. Its rubbish I love bones but thats it. Whats the point in it? General waste of time. I don't get pleasure or amusement out of it
19. I have an addiction to fruit juice
20. I pray that no one I know will turn out like me.
21. I miss the old times, with Chemaz and Geoff and the giggles
22. I hate it when people don't say I love you too back.
23. I got beaten up in September like before I went back to university. like I used too get beaten up. I didnt tell anyone except Emily.
24. I currently have 15 bruises on my body and 48 scars. (nice the fact I know that) I am bawling my eyes out.
25. I would love to be a mum.
So these are my 25 things, please dont comment It was very scary doing it.
Im pretty sure this isn't down to the fact I talk about myself all the time and tell everyone all my secrets. I think it is because even I don't know them.
I know as you grow and mature you learn more and more about who you are as a person and about who you are in God. So I know I am loved. Im worth so much to him the fact He died for me. Pretty Painfully. so Im worth something and believing in him and loving him means that I have freedom from sin. I have freedom to be myself.
Because of my childhood, I put a face on. I do it so that I can be whatever people want me to be without really truely putting myself out there (without ever being Vunerable) because what happens if I take the mask off and the people who love the pretend rachel don't love the real one. Even If I wanted to take it off the problem is I dunno when Rachel begins and pretend Rachel ends.
Next year Im going to read this and do it again 9th of Feburary 2010
So this is my attempt. This is me If you hate me afterwards Im sorry that Im secretly and emotional wreck and I love you guys anyway. No Pretend Rachel, just me the true 25 things
1. I got beaten up pretty badly as a kid. It left me with a lot of insecurities but the truth is I always made it worse. I used to fight back. I get hit I would hit back. It never ended well. I never really talked about it as its something people hate hearing. I show off about being "tough" to avoid discussion about it.
2. The people I love deserve better than me
3. I would love to be one part of a marriage
4. I am a huge girl. I love flowers (tulips are my favourite)
5. Im Petrified of doing this. please dont comment it will freak me out
6. I make myself as busy as I can to avoid the hole in my heart
7. My bed is metal and when I got scared I used to curl up under it and put all the boxes around myself to hide
8. I hate Mice and Rats. There tails freak me out
9. I hate it when people grope me or hug/touch me without warning. It reminds me of worse times
10. I would be nothing without God. This is definate fact!!!!!
11. I act like an idiot 99% of the time
12. Im so close to crying right now its ridicluous. Im so beyond crap its unbelievable
13. I hate horror films. I used to like them but who wants to see someone tortured? what sort of person enjoys watching someone saw of his own leg?
14. Im petrified most the time when I am around other people. what are they thinking? is it uncomfortable? what do I say?
15. apparently I flirt with everyone although I have no idea how to flirt so I have no idea what I am doing. I thought flirting was like flicking your hair and trying to get the guys attention. I dont think I do that. I dunno how to flirt. I think I do it without realising it
16. My favourite place in the world is the road heading from Godmanchesterto Offord and you hit the big hill. You can see for miles. When the Sunsets its Beautiful.
17. I hate sitting still. Much prefer doing stuff
18. I hate TV. Its rubbish I love bones but thats it. Whats the point in it? General waste of time. I don't get pleasure or amusement out of it
19. I have an addiction to fruit juice
20. I pray that no one I know will turn out like me.
21. I miss the old times, with Chemaz and Geoff and the giggles
22. I hate it when people don't say I love you too back.
23. I got beaten up in September like before I went back to university. like I used too get beaten up. I didnt tell anyone except Emily.
24. I currently have 15 bruises on my body and 48 scars. (nice the fact I know that) I am bawling my eyes out.
25. I would love to be a mum.
So these are my 25 things, please dont comment It was very scary doing it.
Sunday 1 February 2009
Thoughts
Absolutely insanely cool. My dad just came downstaires with all these files and said he wanted to show me something. so i drag myself away from my addiction to facebook and had a look.
when he was younger he did a project and put together a scrap book of the infomation on the original man on the moon. the first one like ever. Yes I mean Neil Armstrong.
In this book there was bits from magazines and Newspapers about this amazing story. honestly I was so entranced in awe by the pictures im completely and utterly gob smacked. Its so interesting reading the original reports and infomation about the space shuttle and the moon. even the crew bio's are in there. WOW!!!!!!
He then got out another newpaper this one from 1912 costing one half penny. again WOW although it was not just any newspaper. Its the one on the titantic when it sunk!!! mouth on the ground!!! its the Daily Mail the whole paper (bar some sport bit at the back) is full of infomation about it. 900 crew members wifes still waiting for news. orginal pictures of captain and crew members. blue prints of the boat and infomation on what went wrong. I mean everything.
It got me thinking about the things I would keep the newspaper cuttings off and how the things in the world shape us whether we want them to or not and about time. Is it simply that we learn or is it that our ignorance and innocences move to something else.
Look at the World Wars we wouldn't let another Genocide like that happen . Now would we. oh but wait what about Rwanda and what happened there during the 1990's. (think it was 1994 but you may have to check) the Tutsis and the hutus are two seperate ethnic minoritys and yet the Hutus managed to kill 800,000 Tutsis's just because of there colour.
You might be thinking oh in england that wouldnt happen though bradford riots anyone (2003) or the racism there is towards Asian people here (Paki's) Maybe we aren't as different as we were back then.
We can look at the man on the moon as a step to discovery. what else have we yet to discover? we can look at titantic as a tragedy (although the engineering side of the vessel was outstanding for its time) or we can look at it as history. but is it does history seem to be repeating itself slightly? I dunno Im just rampling.
when he was younger he did a project and put together a scrap book of the infomation on the original man on the moon. the first one like ever. Yes I mean Neil Armstrong.
In this book there was bits from magazines and Newspapers about this amazing story. honestly I was so entranced in awe by the pictures im completely and utterly gob smacked. Its so interesting reading the original reports and infomation about the space shuttle and the moon. even the crew bio's are in there. WOW!!!!!!
He then got out another newpaper this one from 1912 costing one half penny. again WOW although it was not just any newspaper. Its the one on the titantic when it sunk!!! mouth on the ground!!! its the Daily Mail the whole paper (bar some sport bit at the back) is full of infomation about it. 900 crew members wifes still waiting for news. orginal pictures of captain and crew members. blue prints of the boat and infomation on what went wrong. I mean everything.
It got me thinking about the things I would keep the newspaper cuttings off and how the things in the world shape us whether we want them to or not and about time. Is it simply that we learn or is it that our ignorance and innocences move to something else.
Look at the World Wars we wouldn't let another Genocide like that happen . Now would we. oh but wait what about Rwanda and what happened there during the 1990's. (think it was 1994 but you may have to check) the Tutsis and the hutus are two seperate ethnic minoritys and yet the Hutus managed to kill 800,000 Tutsis's just because of there colour.
You might be thinking oh in england that wouldnt happen though bradford riots anyone (2003) or the racism there is towards Asian people here (Paki's) Maybe we aren't as different as we were back then.
We can look at the man on the moon as a step to discovery. what else have we yet to discover? we can look at titantic as a tragedy (although the engineering side of the vessel was outstanding for its time) or we can look at it as history. but is it does history seem to be repeating itself slightly? I dunno Im just rampling.
The Bucket List
Im blatently copying Helen here but I did mine a long time ago.
I have had the privledged of knowing some incredible people and have been blessed by having some of the most amazing experiences in the world already but I would love to some more so here is my list.
1. Throw a drink in someone's face (true chick flick style)
2. Take a gap year and spend it travelling and seeing the wonders of the world
3. Horseride across the Australian outback
4. Climb a mountain
5. Go on a tour around some key places in the new Testament
6. See England
7. Learn to play a musical instrument (more than 3 coards)
8. Go to Bible college
9. Get Married (yes, even I was surprised at that one)
10. See a Sunrise at the Grand Canyon
11. I want to (god willing) help someone (or some people) come to Christ
12. I want to learn how to make fish pie as good as my mums
13. Learn to snowboard
14.Bungee jump off of the Pacific NW Bridge in Washington State America
15. Go to a silent Disco
16. Go to a beach party and fall asleep under the stars listening to the waves
17. Go to Wales and eat surf and turf.
18. Fall in love
19. Find the point in wasps
20. Let somebody fall in love with me
21. Wear a pink dress
22. Learn a foreign language
23. have a dog
thats it for now I can edit it later!!!
I have had the privledged of knowing some incredible people and have been blessed by having some of the most amazing experiences in the world already but I would love to some more so here is my list.
1. Throw a drink in someone's face (true chick flick style)
2. Take a gap year and spend it travelling and seeing the wonders of the world
3. Horseride across the Australian outback
4. Climb a mountain
5. Go on a tour around some key places in the new Testament
6. See England
7. Learn to play a musical instrument (more than 3 coards)
8. Go to Bible college
9. Get Married (yes, even I was surprised at that one)
10. See a Sunrise at the Grand Canyon
11. I want to (god willing) help someone (or some people) come to Christ
12. I want to learn how to make fish pie as good as my mums
13. Learn to snowboard
14.Bungee jump off of the Pacific NW Bridge in Washington State America
15. Go to a silent Disco
16. Go to a beach party and fall asleep under the stars listening to the waves
17. Go to Wales and eat surf and turf.
18. Fall in love
19. Find the point in wasps
20. Let somebody fall in love with me
21. Wear a pink dress
22. Learn a foreign language
23. have a dog
thats it for now I can edit it later!!!
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