my new bucket list

I have been thinking recently about his partly because what was brought up on Sunday and partly because of my own guilt (if thats the right word)

I dont need to do all those things I wrote before sure they will be awesome life experiences and I aim to do them at some point but I dont need to do them.

I want to be happy, content with my life. I want to be able to need God and only him. To only seek to please him.

I want to want to be able to do these things without having all my other selfish wants and "needs"


but I won't give them up as much as Iwant to say that I will happily give up everything for God I still crave the daft things. like a marriage and a dog.

I pray that God will teach me how to just want him and nothing else

Family V's Church

Since I was a Teenager I have battled with my Family regarding this.

I think at the time I was just so selfish and overwhelmed by feelings that I could not grasp the other side of the picture.

With recent arguements with friends (if we can even call it an arguement) I realised how very important it is to see the other side of the situation.

I realise now that the fights and the rows we had were not that they objected to me being a christian but more that I was doing something that they didn't understand and I was (in a sense) growing away from them. I became someone they didn't know and there daughter changed completely at a distance from them.

I was living with them but I was also so far away.

My family are bound to be upset at the fact I consider my church 'my family'. and are bound to some degree feel left out when I go to the church for help, for advice, for comfort instead of them.

I guess what Im trying to say is I was an idiot. A complete one. Parents are people too. I didnt look at it from both sides and for that Im sorry.

They still get upset and still dont understand but they arent going to until they become christians themselves.

my living situation and family life is not ideal but its home. its been so hard but I didnt make it easier. If my Parents ever decided to read my blog. Im so sorry. I love you and I hope I make you proud (even if that does mean I dont become a millionaire and instead live in a shed)

Please Pray that the years of arguements and misunderstandings that have created this rift inbetween us is removed and that our relationship is repaired and that maybe just maybe christ's light might shine through me.

As Promised

So as asked this is a post about the car accident as everyone seems to want details so here they are:-

driving to uni to hand my second to last assignment in (yey) stopped at a roundabout as a car was coming (you have to give way to the right) Man behind me (in a very nice Audi) didn't see me and ran into the back of me. I then flew across the two carriageways of the roundabout and was actually on it.

We then (with the help of the man who hit me who was very nice) got my car of the roundabout and drove to a safer location.

I called the RAC because well my car didn't look to good. (the backseats had popped out of position and gone down because of the crash)

Once it was ok i then got in my car was escaughted to uni to hand my essay in and then escaughted home (by the same man)

I then went to the doctors who said I needed to go to A and E which I did well because I was going in to shock and I have a whiplash injury.

Phoned the insurance company then went to rock solid and broke down like a baby.

God really protected me If a car came round that roundabout and hitted me I would have been a lot worse off. and the chiorpracter person said if I wasn''t so hyper flexible in my back and neck the damage would have been so much worse.

My car looks like it is going to be a writeoff. but Thats ok. God has reminded me out of this not to underestimate him nor the good will of others.

My best friend came home. My old school friends paniced and I have had so many phonecalls and texts from them over the last couple of days than I think I have for there intire time at uni. And I was reminded how much like home my church is and how amazing and wonderful it is to go to. (I was also reminded that buses smell like pee)

Thanks to everyone for loving me and being so fantastic.

(the insurance company have provided me with a loan car. and for giggly purposes its a brand new mishubishi my dad is so envious)

heart broken, grumpy and looking on the brightside

Yesterday was a bizzare day.

very bizzarre

I got hurt not badly well it depends how you look at it. I honestly want to put the covers over my head and live like that what a nice little life. sleeping and reading just in your own little bubble where things cant go wrong and people dont expect anything of you or moan or hurt you.
So Tempted by that right now.

but I guess I wouldn't have as much fun as well like knowing people are willing to fork out money to come and see you just because you are crying. or run up to you when you show up to your own party crying and steal you away to calm you down. and praying with you and lots of worried 11-14 year olds who care about you and friends who remind you to giggle and realising that people are there. I could give up and run away, I could easily I could jack it all in and move to Stafford like I have wanted too for years, I could be that person who lives in her bedroom until she is 50.

But how much of live would I miss out in. I could give up. I could give up my beliefs, my life, my friendships, uni, being a youth worker, my family.

all of these have been options over the past few weeks. yesterday was the tip of the iceberg but it also helped me realise a lot. I could give up I could climb under my covers, I could kill myself, I could give up.

but I would miss out on so much. park days with friends, Laughter, Alton towers trips with biscuits. getting jumped on at Rock Solid, personal in depth one on one chats, Listening to Jackie sing, Being hugged (not a lame fluffy one a real emotional one when you can feel the love) - for the record I cant believe I just wrote that. the Exhibition pub, when your insanely on fire for god and all you can do is jump up and down. and love.

Ok so stuff is not exactly perfect. Im in a really bad mood and Im just waiting for the next bad event but its worth it. the good stuff is worth the bad.

I dunno how I feel I guess the title says it all really.

procastination

just trying to avoid thinking.

my arm hurts I had injections and now Im going a little loopey. the lady/nurse/doctor said I would and after a couple of hours I will be fine again.

my head hurts too the person said it would

ALton Towers, Ultimate Event and random comments

IT WAS SO GOOD.

I was once again in Awe at the amount of things 12 year olds can teach you and just how unselfish they can be.

Blake and Sam are truely Incredible and are going to Grow up into two very good and cool blokes.

Good Music, Good Food (even if Jasper doesn't agree), Good kids, Good rides, Great day.

I realise this tells very little of our adventures of the day but I just loved it and will take away some fantastic memories. So Thank you everyone that helped make it so special.

AHHHHHHH

I hate text arguments language gets conbobulated and people take things the way they definately were not meant to take them.

as Helen said things have been weird on both parts we have made mistakes because well we are human.

Im not going to say what the arguement was about nor talk about it any more quite simply because I love this girl far too much to let something like this stop me from loving her.

Both are hearts got broken tonight and both of us ended up in tears. funny how we are connected like that.

But If Im honest I would much rather she breaks my heart a million times takes it out on the ground, grates it pours vinegar all over it and stamps on it and makes me cry so hard that I die of dehydration than not have her in my life at all.

So for now, I don't know where I stand. but if Im honest i never do I just go from day to day just doing the best that I can and seeing where I end up.

I hate the fact that I see her once in a bluemoon and when i do usually millions of people are around or its a crisis situation. I hate the fact she lives 4 hours away and I hate the fact we ave to scheld in times to talk. I hate the fact that she is so much smarter than me and has so much more confidence in who she is as a person. I hate that when she walks in a room it lights up. I hate that she is a million times cleverer than me and uses big words. I hate that she is so Beautiful and can get any guy she wants. I hate that she has this whole new life in Bristol and I'm getting left behind (is not fact is just how I feel at present state) I hate that I secretly love all these things.

I love all these things.

I love that she is different from me and she writes on her blog when she is annoyed at me even though she knows I will read it.

I love how bad we are at shopping and I love how random she is at cooking.

I love how when she laughs her eyebrows go up and I love how her hair changes colour every other day.

I love how comfortable she is with herself and i love how she keeps changing and growing as a different person. I love how much braver she is than me and how she takes charge.

I love how we can go to bed at 10 and still be awake giggling about stupid things at 4am. (like hands) I love our history and I love our godly friendship. I love that she is passionate. I love how when i ask her to keep my feet warm she does

i love that she is the first person i can ever remember giving me a hug.

I love that she hates a certain person. and I love her strength. I love what she has done in my life and I love that she guided me to become a christian even though she wasnt herself.

I love her - in the simplist terms. I love her, I am for her and I will support her. i will drive down at 1 in the morning hek I would walk/run (might take me a while longer)