hey

hey guys and girls,

basically I have started a new blog. its been around for a while I kept it private but I have decided to make it my official blog (so there is lots to read if anyone is bored) loads has changed since I started this one and I just sort of fansied a fresh start.


so Its been made public and if you would like to follow then feel free the address is ...

http://thewalkofcleggy.blogspot.com/

(I think the blog count is nearing 15 on it)


P.S. Cleggy is a nickname I was given from my brother when I was tiny (like baby little)

so I listened...

So I listened to charlie and to Crofty (from SS) and decided to take a risk or too. It worked I understand that taking all risks wont end well but this particular one did. Risks are hard, scary things.

Its putting yourself out there, making yourself vulnerable but hek the end result may be greater than you know.

xxxxx

i flipping love charlie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i flipping love charlie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

21

Today I turned 21

In 11 minutes (from the time I started to write this it is anyway) I will be 21 and 1 day old.

Birthdays are strange days. Why say 'Happy Birthday'? You are basically saying 'I hope you have a nice birthday'

But why not hope that everyone has a nice day everyday? I dunno,

My first conversation was about a pornographic picture on my brothers wall in detail with Helen. We ended up naming the four girls who were asleep, in very little clothing. (very grown up)

I got sang to at church, (also awesome service John) I got lots of hugs and kisses from my church family at GBC. I then got Kidnapped by Chloe and a gang of others to Cambridge where I was brought Lunch and sat on Parkers Peace munching and relaxing in the sunshine, before being taken home for a scrummy sunday lunch, with Penny, My Godparents, My Grandma and my Folks.

I got a mass of Texts and Facebook messages (at least 50) which is a real blessing to have so many people who want to wish you a good day.

I enjoyed it. I feel older I feel my age, maybe because of my new found exceptance of my age. I no longer want to be 17 again.

Dont get me wrong it rocked at the time but there are a lot of benefits of being this age.

On Saturday for an example me and my mum spent the whole day together shopping, when I was 17 I could have never done that. I have a lot more knowledge now which comes from getting older in regards to general knowledge, to a deeper relationship with God and in who I am too.

My friendships are stronger too. I have less aquaintences and more good friends.

I dont want to go out and get drunk. whats the point when you can have a social drink and talk more and have just as much fun?

I dont want to watch meaningless junk on Tv or read stupid books that wont teach me anything. I want to grow, learn and have fun.

I am lonely dont get me wrong but I dont want to go and selfishly fill my needs of comfort, love and affection with the opposite sex I want meaning and a relationship that is built on more than selfish need.

Anyway It is now the 10th of August.

Happy 10th of August everyone!!!

BEWARE!!!!

2 posts in one hour will make up for my lack of posts recently.

Today I had a conversation with one of my friends and I ended up getting angry. (which I am not sure whether or not I have a right too but I couldn't really help it)

Over time Lots of my friends have self harmed. I have even been prone to do it myself but in less graphical ways.

I dont want to make anyone who may or may know of someone that does upset or get moaned at by this blog so please dont. like I said this is just how I feel at the present moment in time.

I have the friend perspective. If any of you do self harm I am not in your shoes and I dont understand how It feels to be you so If any of you do or have considered doing it I dont want you to be upset by what I have written. Please don't leave comments.

I may not know how it feels to do that but I do know how it feels to stand by and watch.

Don't you get how it feels to stand by and watch!!! See more and more scars appear on your body. To watch you get addicted to it, to watch it become part of how you define yourself. Don't you see how that

Im bawling my freaking eyes out here because my heart is broken.

Don't you see how much it hurts us. the people who care about you who sit by and know that when you stop you have to stop for yourself so we sit and listen. who keep your secrets even when it at risk to themselves, Always wondering when are they going to go too deep whether tommorrow morning when we wake up and you won't. We cry for you, pray for you. Beg God to stop you from feeling the pain and lay it on us instead.

Don't you see that it is selfish to do it, Whether or not you believe people love you or not. I freaking do and I cant lose you. I can't. I love you too fraking much. Do you realise what it would do to me. To your parents, to the rest of the people. I won't ask you to do it for the people who cry for you. I won't ask you to do it for me.

But fight. freaking fight. don't just do it for the easy way out. don't just give up. Fight it. Fight the voices in you head. Love exists because you love others. You love your mum, your little sisters and brothers, your friends, your boyfriends, hek you might even love me.

Fight for yourself, for the fact you deserve better, for the fact you have worth. fight for the fact that it doesnt just effect you. fight for the promise of an incredible life with God. Fight for the fact that Jesus went through a 1000 times more pain than we will ever experience for you.

know that self harm is not something you only do its something you do to your friends, to your siblings, to your parents. when you cut, or punch or starve yourself your hurting us too.

now I am going to stop. I have released my anger and I am now going to go and write my third blog of the night.

Abey baby

I was thinking about writing a blog on Abe for a long time.

It was recently the last Ignite actually when I realised just how huge of a part he has had in my life, whether indirectly or directly. The bloke gets a lot of stick. (I gave him a great deal) but still when I needed some one to stand up for me. He fought my corner.

I was thinking of times when I started to do Rock Solid. I so scared to be around people I put a bit of a bonkers confident mask on but Abe reasurred me and encouraged me to do it. It is now because of that encouragement that GBC feels like home and the people feel more like my family.

He was there when I came back to church after months of doing a bit of a Jonah and doing the opposite of what was right. I was a youth under him in which I learnt a great deal about what it meant to be a christian.

He challenged me throughout my times of being a youth leader making meditate more on my hows, what, and whys?

He has watched me grow, prayed for me, and sacrifies his own needs for me.

Today I turned 21 I am an adult everywhere in the world. It a bit of a big day but you know what. Abe has had something to do with getting me this far. He has mentioned a few times how I have gone from a scared nervous public speaker to giving sermons and part of that was his encouragement and faith in me.

Today I also found out his Mum has died. My heart is with him, I have a lump in my throat for his sadness and I am praying for him. I want to do something to help something to ease the pain but I know only Jesus can do that. Although this is happened. I am willing to bet money (well I am not but I am certain off it ) that Abe will be trying to work out how to get back to Zambia and make in back in time for Soul Survivor not for any other reason than to serve the young people of GBC.

So Abe If you ever read this, Thank you!! I am sorry for all the times I have moaned at you and for all the times I have been unkind.

I thank God for revealing to me how huge of a part you have had in my life just so I could make the most of your time left in Goddie and not take our friendship for granted anymore

Cars, Idiots and Legs

Ok so I am an idiot!!!

A complete one!!!

This car situation sucks and if I am honest I have spent the day feeling sorry for myself.

I went to Uganda and met people who had nothing. Most of those I met slept on the ground. some where street kids for goodnesses sake and I'm moaning because I am now going to be without a car for a few months.

God has let this happen for a reason. Its a learning curve. God is in it. Therefore him being in it will make it a good thing.

I will find a way to do everything. If I can't well that means he proberly doesn't want me to do it anyway.

I am annoyed at the other guy but for all I know he could have been made bankrupt and not be able to afford insurance.

Yes, its wrong and breaking the law. but I have also done stuff that broke the law and is wrong and the only person who has the right to judge is Jesus. Not me!!!

So yes I was annoyed but yey jesus has just (once again) opened my eyes.

I am such a goof and an Idiot.

I am now quite excited about the adventure God is going to take me on with public transport and my bike. Bring on using my legs!!!!!

I hate...

I hate insurance compannies. I hate them I hate them I hate them. Well I don't I hate the person who lied and said that I stole his indentity. I hate the fact that it has been over 2 months and still nothing has been done. I hate the fact that it causes far to much stress to be worth it.

All I want is a car that works (and is legal for me to drive) thats It. I brought a car, I paid for the insurance. I paid for the repairs. I worked hard to do that. no all I ask is that my car get fixed.

Thats it. simple. I am meant to be going out tonight but no instead I am waiting to talk to this lady who will determine my fate. On whether or not I have a car anymore.

No Car. No church. No visiting people. I will be stuck at home.

Oh the joy of it.

On the bright side (as i am trying to be optimistic) It stopped raining

so today

no theological talk nor indepth emotional gush

Today has been a nice day or more the evenong has been I have many rather comical moments. Its been good.

I went to Tesco's and brought some Passion. You would think after 2 weeks I could open them by now, but not a chance. It exploded in my hands quite spectacularly in Tesco's car park. (Didn't I feel cool)

Went to RS and spent the evening with hyper lads. (always a highlight of my week) But tonight I noticed the change in them. the way god is changing them. I am Incredibly blessed to see that and to be a part of it.

Blake and Ross also told me how much they missed me while I was away. (was rather touched to hear that)

I also got shown two places in which Joe George was sick. (and the sick was still there) ewwwwww but rather funny at the same time as being minging!!!!!!!

I then went to the Priory and saw the Longsands guys. (although most werent there as it was only the guys) and had a good catch up with them.

been a good night!!!! Got to see lots of people I love

Tommorrow

Stealing Sophies blog title.

tommorrow I am going to Uganda . I was kinda scared I wouldnt have time to do this. But a huge Thanks to everyone who helped and contributed.

Jodie - thanks for your expert cake making skills

Helen - thanks for shutting up for a day

Homegroup - Legends as always

Jasper - for letting me rant at you when stuff doesnt go to plan

Joshy - For giving me your money

and for everyone else who has been so supportive and kind.

Love you all.

Revelation

Is a really hard book of the bible to get your head round.

This post is not really about that specifically, Its more about the past year.

Its kind of amazing really how much God has revealed himself and how much I have discovered about myself in the space of a year.

I usually do a little spiritual thought about the previous year using Soul Survivor as a marker but I find myself thinking about this a lot. in a sense It makes me so happy to be able to see these changes.

I have learnt to check your heart to keep check on the motivations behind why I do things. To make sure the reasons In my head why I am acting/doing something are the same ones as my heart.

I have learnt that I have no Backbone and that I have got a much firmer understanding around my faith (which is God) I have learnt to keep Faith even when the logical answer is in the opposite direction and that i am not as good as I thought I was.

I have learnt that you can have low self-esteem as well as being big headed. I think I have also learnt to accept myself more too.

As well as looking at my past and the world around me from a different perspective than I used too.

I just pray that it continues.

Clearing up

Ok this post is for one person particular who was hurt about something I did or more something I didn't so. Im incredibly sorry about that. I acted like a bit of a Prat (a bit of is the understatement of the century)

I dont want to write excuses insteed I Want to clear stuff up.

I didn't tell you for two reasons both are ridiculous and stupid and I feel like a complete plonker for writing this on my blog.

First reason is well because I miss you so much.

I miss our conversations about everything not just about books and movies but about our faith, our parents, how are perspectives are changing. our friendships with people. I miss talking about cheese slicing and about sex. I miss having you come up to me bouncing around like mad being excited over stupid things.

I didnt tell you, well as awlful and as horrible as it is because I wanted you to miss me a bit too. I wanted you to miss me like the way I miss you.

second reason is even more lame

I built (as I always do) a little wall around my freaking out ness. I told precisely 3 people about my accident everyone else found out down to people talking.

Helen, Luke and Jasper. Helen told her mum, then her mum told Abe. then Abe told the pray patrol at church (thats not there name but its catchy and reminds me of a superhero) and the leadership team hence stuart, Steph, And the sheffords finding out. Oh and i announced it at RNA (but it was a party for me that I had just shown up to an hour late crying)

Point being telling people knocked down my little wall that was with holding all my freakingout ness and everything I have been with holding in the last couple of weeks. telling the people I cared about made it harder to hold it in.

Yes, I shouldnt hold it in anyway and yes I would be upset and angry if I was in your shoes so Im sorry. I acted like an Idiot and I was selfish and well a Cow. I should of told you even if that meant an emotional breakdown.

I love you and I hope at some point you forgive me

just to clarify...

And just to clarify in my post on my new bucket list.



I basically mean In my life my Aim is to glorify God. In everything. I want him to come first and I only want to want my desires If they please God. Empty things are pointless.

I want God to come first so if such things dont please him. I want to be able to give them up joyfully.

If that makes more sense or less sense I dunno i understand it lol

strange

Im in a good mood today.

today has been a good day for me.

I handed in my last uni essay. Yey

Sunbathed on Jesus Green in Cambridge with a pint in one hand and the grapes of Wrath in the other. Although I was ooogling the men playing football. (sorry)

had a shower (which I realise is quite dull but it was one of those overindulgent hour long showers where you come out all prune like)

I went for drive in my loan car like an awesome one.

and Penny is coming over momentarily. been a good day

My mood is trampled on a bit though a lot of my friends are really struggling at the moment. One has moved back with his family and im not sure when he is coming back. Im kind of lonely without him here which is quite selfish really when he is going through so much. Another friend is so stressed her hair is falling out. I wish I could help them I really do.

Please Pray for these people.

my new bucket list

I have been thinking recently about his partly because what was brought up on Sunday and partly because of my own guilt (if thats the right word)

I dont need to do all those things I wrote before sure they will be awesome life experiences and I aim to do them at some point but I dont need to do them.

I want to be happy, content with my life. I want to be able to need God and only him. To only seek to please him.

I want to want to be able to do these things without having all my other selfish wants and "needs"


but I won't give them up as much as Iwant to say that I will happily give up everything for God I still crave the daft things. like a marriage and a dog.

I pray that God will teach me how to just want him and nothing else

Family V's Church

Since I was a Teenager I have battled with my Family regarding this.

I think at the time I was just so selfish and overwhelmed by feelings that I could not grasp the other side of the picture.

With recent arguements with friends (if we can even call it an arguement) I realised how very important it is to see the other side of the situation.

I realise now that the fights and the rows we had were not that they objected to me being a christian but more that I was doing something that they didn't understand and I was (in a sense) growing away from them. I became someone they didn't know and there daughter changed completely at a distance from them.

I was living with them but I was also so far away.

My family are bound to be upset at the fact I consider my church 'my family'. and are bound to some degree feel left out when I go to the church for help, for advice, for comfort instead of them.

I guess what Im trying to say is I was an idiot. A complete one. Parents are people too. I didnt look at it from both sides and for that Im sorry.

They still get upset and still dont understand but they arent going to until they become christians themselves.

my living situation and family life is not ideal but its home. its been so hard but I didnt make it easier. If my Parents ever decided to read my blog. Im so sorry. I love you and I hope I make you proud (even if that does mean I dont become a millionaire and instead live in a shed)

Please Pray that the years of arguements and misunderstandings that have created this rift inbetween us is removed and that our relationship is repaired and that maybe just maybe christ's light might shine through me.

As Promised

So as asked this is a post about the car accident as everyone seems to want details so here they are:-

driving to uni to hand my second to last assignment in (yey) stopped at a roundabout as a car was coming (you have to give way to the right) Man behind me (in a very nice Audi) didn't see me and ran into the back of me. I then flew across the two carriageways of the roundabout and was actually on it.

We then (with the help of the man who hit me who was very nice) got my car of the roundabout and drove to a safer location.

I called the RAC because well my car didn't look to good. (the backseats had popped out of position and gone down because of the crash)

Once it was ok i then got in my car was escaughted to uni to hand my essay in and then escaughted home (by the same man)

I then went to the doctors who said I needed to go to A and E which I did well because I was going in to shock and I have a whiplash injury.

Phoned the insurance company then went to rock solid and broke down like a baby.

God really protected me If a car came round that roundabout and hitted me I would have been a lot worse off. and the chiorpracter person said if I wasn''t so hyper flexible in my back and neck the damage would have been so much worse.

My car looks like it is going to be a writeoff. but Thats ok. God has reminded me out of this not to underestimate him nor the good will of others.

My best friend came home. My old school friends paniced and I have had so many phonecalls and texts from them over the last couple of days than I think I have for there intire time at uni. And I was reminded how much like home my church is and how amazing and wonderful it is to go to. (I was also reminded that buses smell like pee)

Thanks to everyone for loving me and being so fantastic.

(the insurance company have provided me with a loan car. and for giggly purposes its a brand new mishubishi my dad is so envious)

heart broken, grumpy and looking on the brightside

Yesterday was a bizzare day.

very bizzarre

I got hurt not badly well it depends how you look at it. I honestly want to put the covers over my head and live like that what a nice little life. sleeping and reading just in your own little bubble where things cant go wrong and people dont expect anything of you or moan or hurt you.
So Tempted by that right now.

but I guess I wouldn't have as much fun as well like knowing people are willing to fork out money to come and see you just because you are crying. or run up to you when you show up to your own party crying and steal you away to calm you down. and praying with you and lots of worried 11-14 year olds who care about you and friends who remind you to giggle and realising that people are there. I could give up and run away, I could easily I could jack it all in and move to Stafford like I have wanted too for years, I could be that person who lives in her bedroom until she is 50.

But how much of live would I miss out in. I could give up. I could give up my beliefs, my life, my friendships, uni, being a youth worker, my family.

all of these have been options over the past few weeks. yesterday was the tip of the iceberg but it also helped me realise a lot. I could give up I could climb under my covers, I could kill myself, I could give up.

but I would miss out on so much. park days with friends, Laughter, Alton towers trips with biscuits. getting jumped on at Rock Solid, personal in depth one on one chats, Listening to Jackie sing, Being hugged (not a lame fluffy one a real emotional one when you can feel the love) - for the record I cant believe I just wrote that. the Exhibition pub, when your insanely on fire for god and all you can do is jump up and down. and love.

Ok so stuff is not exactly perfect. Im in a really bad mood and Im just waiting for the next bad event but its worth it. the good stuff is worth the bad.

I dunno how I feel I guess the title says it all really.

procastination

just trying to avoid thinking.

my arm hurts I had injections and now Im going a little loopey. the lady/nurse/doctor said I would and after a couple of hours I will be fine again.

my head hurts too the person said it would